Words for summer

festering
stale
poached

There are a few words that describe the complete desolation that occurs when the first sweat of summer falls on the ground, as my body drips dry and slowly I will become not much more than a husk in the desert heat.

Without a destination, a real goal, something to strive for, the heat will eat you alive... first it starts with your thoughts, melting away as easily as the breeze would blow away a dandelion; if you can't distract your mind for long enough, you lose it to the heat. Sanity is the first casualty in the war against that great orb of fire.

These are how my days have been, the sun itself a beacon of energy and warmth ironically destroys my will to do anything - I feel slower, all around. Sluggish, poisoned by thoughts of nicer days and a more abrupt summer followed by an endless winter.

I have already tried my hand at beating the infernal heat on its own terms... I was thoroughly defeated, defeated in a way that will make me rue the thought of dehydration ever again. Water is the best and most worthwhile weapon to use. Never forget that.

Enjoy the spring while it lasts, those crisp days are too few and far between the months to be considered as a time to get things done, to create, to flourish. Now in the dead of summer is the time of hardly working, working hard maintaining the frail weak existence for a few hours of sunlight until the moon heroically leaps to the sky... then the time changes and a new, parallel form of life blooms in the dusk. Sight is not necessarily everything. Sounds and smells are boundless compared to sight in the evenings.

As the warmth extends deep into the night, there is hardly a need for the comforts of daylight, many things are rendered useless. It is a tragic thought that so many things are useful due to the day/night cycle.

It will pass, and in the meantime I have things to do, work to be done, crafts to sharpen, arts to form. The end of Summer comes ever closer... and with it the end of madness. Good riddance when it goes.

'Rose Colored Glasses'

I see a lot of people I know that see things in a very strange light - events, people, all kinds of things seem to be a lot better to them than they are to me.

The line of thinking that I use says 'Am I really that down that I can't even make light of something good in someone else's life?' and the short answer to that is fuck no, I'm pretty far from depressed. I should know, too.

I just don't think doing the same thing as everyone else is very interesting... at all.

What is it about those particular people, events, things that are generally bland and uninteresting that makes everyone else look at them as the greatest thing since sliced bread? And no, this is not me putting everyone around me down, but looking at things without those pesky rose colored glasses on all the damn time. Seems like everyone has a few pairs on at any given time these days.

I hear about people in 'successful' collegiate careers and you know what I think? 'Gee, they couldn't think of doing anything actually interesting with their lives?' (not that I'm not one of them, but at least I don't flaunt my 'education' as much as my colleagues have been)

But of course, it's not their faults. They have to keep up that charade that their lives mean something, working themselves into sleep deprived, unhealthy, and 'educated' greatness for a chance (NOT a guarantee) that their lives will be better off in the long run.

Better off for who, though? The state? The university? The company you signed your life away for? WHOSE LIFE ARE YOU IMPROVING?!

What I'm getting at is this: I DO want you all to be successful, healthy, and happy people, but the fact of the matter is that many of you ARE NOT. Being 20 years young and doing stupid things goes hand in hand, but much of our generation hasn't done a damn thing about the future and expects literally EVERYTHING to be set in place for us. Perpetuating a bunch of selfish desires, flaunting your supposed 'individuality', as well as 'getting an education' do not account for real happiness - real achievement accounts for real happiness.

What it is perpetuating is the discord and destruction of this generation as a whole, and future generations to come, enough for the next century of men and to hate us for pushing the debt ceiling higher and higher, and making those special jobs you work so hard for fucking worthless.

Being a stupid drone and getting a specialized career document like everyone else does not mean you are a smarter person inherently. Smarter things - and cooler things - have been done before. Do something cool and innovative with your life and your children's children will thank you for it.


TL;DR version:
I just don't like the idea of working hard in college so your kids can go to college, and so on. PEOPLE DON'T NEED TO BE EDUCATED ABOUT INANE HORSESHIT TO GET THINGS DONE.

'Uneventful' is my middle name

This past week or so I've had some ups and some downs. This is my first real week of summer, so I can only imagine the tedium that the rest of the summer will bring... not to mention the immense heat. The moths haven't even given me too much trouble, it's the general location where I am and the impact of the heat that I'm concerned about.

I made quite a bit of money this week... unfortunately I don't think it's going to last very long, computer needs an upgrade or two pretty badly.

So, I've been looking into overclocking to get that extra boost from my aging system, though I haven't a clue where to even begin with something like that. So many things can go wrong....


I haven't given it much thought but I think it's a nice change from going to school to basically being able to work how and when I want to. The work isn't the greatest gig in the universe but it keeps me busy and I can do what I like with a lot of my time. The biggest benefit? I do things that will benefit the world in the long run.

The biggest downfall was the fact that some psychopathic jughead wanted to 'perfolate' me after I argued some pretty good points about Fluoride. Some people just simply wont learn, at all. Gave me a good scare and put me in a bad spot but I quickly backed my way out of it.

I haven't been out that much recently, I was hoping there would be a lot more time spent with people I agree with, but I've so far just been at home doing my own thing... I suppose that isn't all bad, I've had some good time to myself for a while now. Turns out building skills and making money isn't a bad way to spend your time, but I do feel a wee bit out of shape as of right now, so I'm immediately getting back into tae kwon do.

I wanted happiness and I feel like I'm inching through the deep hole I seem to have dug for myself, even though I wasn't even aware of what I was doing at the time. So, as far as this past little while is concerned, I can look forward to more 'uneventful' days ahead.

Sprouting Wings

I didn't like what I was doing before.

School and such things like it is full of tedium and disinterest. Everything else blended together and became the same gray poison that fueled my growing addiction to cave dwelling and unnatural light provided by a monitor. I am done trying so hard to feel something other than anguish artificially. I can't explain the details, but I hope my parents can both forgive me for being so utterly awful to them; and I hope that later in life I will develop friends that are both encouraging and fun to be around, that will not bring me down to their level and expect me to bend over backwards to do things with them. I don't know what made me such a bitter, selfish, poison spouting monster that I am but I will do everything I can to right these wrongs, and to write these wrongs, so that I wont feel so unheard and ignored.

This is my prayer, my eulogy, my sacrifice, and my silent perseverance.

I will do my best to never speak hatred unto someone.

I wont try and find excuses to feel good about myself - especially artificial ones.

I will pay back what I owe the people that I do.

And I will then pay forward everything I have either in necessity for myself or for the better of the world.

I will change. And I will be happy.

'Alone Time'

Been pretty quiet for a while now... couldn't hurt to update, bout 2 months behind schedule.

Past couple of months have been, to say the least, long. I don't think about much lately I guess.

It kind of irks me that I don't even keep up with something as simple as writing my thoughts down every couple of weeks.

Well, I can't say I've been doing a whole lot. More of the same, really: video games with intermittent periods of sleep and school thrown in. Worked a little bit too, but I think that 12 days on a temporary job isn't that much to be proud of.

But, I was hard working and proud of the job that I did. Made a good chunk of change to carry me into... well, where I am now. I'm kind of on the end of my rope that I made for myself, I can feel that noose tightening - I don't really like being unemployed, but similarly I don't want to go so far out of my way that I hate myself for trying.

I guess that's really the thing about me. I don't try very hard if I don't get anything out of it. Hell, I don't try very hard anymore at all. I just can't bring myself to doing what I know I have to do.

I guess I can only blame myself then, right? Not like I set myself up for success, mostly I just set myself up so that I can be basically sustained in a very minimal manner, rather than actually trying out new things I recluse myself into my hole and slave away at what I know best - the computer, the game, as my parents call it.

What the hardest part about this whole situation is how easy it would be to end it all, compared to how hard it would be to clamor over these fervent addictions I hold.

I could just as easily eat a bullet before trying to help myself.

If that isn't depressing, I don't really know what is; I just don't feel that great about anything right now.

Falling

Damn, was really hoping to write more this past month. Ah, well this is important.

I just woke up, and recall having a dream about some very specific shit. (I was also drinking pretty heavily last night so I don't know if this is how I feel or what.) At first, I was falling, which is like the absolutely most common dream sequence in people. I guess most people are afraid of dying when they hit the ground, but for some reason I wasn't at all afraid. I was with some people who I recognized as LOST characters, specifically Kate and Sawyer, I think maybe Jack was there as well. The thing about this was the actions performed. I landed on the ground, which didn't hurt whatsoever, got up and immediately moved with Kate across a road or a train track or something. Each of us bearing guns, I felt like a paratrooper or something, because honestly I think I was attacking someone.

I felt like a paratrooper, attacking St. Lo

Then this kind of switched gears on me, I was in dialogue with people I didn't know or understand.

That's about all I can remember.

The interpretations of this website are usually pretty solid. Much of what I experience in my life is pretty bland as of late, I'm feeling pretty frustrated with school and honestly don't know what to do. I've developed some bad habits and I don't really know how to fix them.


Moreover I'm quite saddened by my relationships with people as well... I don't seem to have very many friends...

I can't seem to do anything else but ask for help. God help me.

We all knew this day would come

Well, the semester is almost over for those of us who are scholastically inclined (wish I was one of those people), and that means that it's crunch time for those same people. I'll tell you what it means for me, about a whole truckload of stress.

I figured I rant about school enough and those few that read like to hear about other aspects of my life; This weekend was honest to God one of the better weekends of my life. For three reasons: Skyrim (pictured, I am the Dovahkiin, baby.), a really good party, and of course the reason for both is ...my birthday.

Now, my birthday is on November 11th, and this year it was extra super special because of course the date was 11/11/11. (THAT IS PRETTY F*CKING COOL IF YOU ASKED ME.) I turned 21, so I was feeling real good for the duration of the weekend. Can't say I feel much different though, few do when they turn a new age... if anything, it feels worse getting that much closer to your relatively imminent death.

You aren't a kid anymore, I guess that's what hurts the most. Someone said that to me this past week and it cut to my core. Growing up is absurdly difficult for a lot of people, and for me it's been mostly a struggle. I'm pretty stubborn, so naturally I'm going to feel worse when things change and I don't like it, and of course they do all the time.

In short, I've discovered in my time here on Earth that this world is hard on people, and you need to adapt in order to carve your niche in it. That's a difficult thing to understand in itself, let alone to actually perform it. But once I do... it's going to be a stellar event, that is one thing I am certain of.

What am I supposed to be doing again?

This is a question I tend to ask myself a lot. With good reason, too, because normally I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to be doing at any given time. It is kind of an ambiguous question though, not really specific enough to be answered without context. IN context is a different story, it's pretty easy to know what to do in one specific moment, but what of the next? What am I supposed to do then?

I wont flatter myself by saying 'SO many great minds have asked themselves this question before', but it's true, just not of great minds alone. EVERYONE has to ask this question, each to his own specific situation, and mine is that of someone who does not like to conform to what is generally normal. Sure, I'm a college student, but I'm also God damn awful at it. (I wont go into the gory details, but I assure you it's put me in quite the predicament.) I've never been okay with going to school. What am I supposed to be doing in school that is relevant to me personally, as A) an American, and B) as a Citizen of the World? Why do I need to take all of these courses, and what purpose does taking microeconomics have on a mind like mine?

These questions irk me. Severely.

I am kept up at night sometimes, much like tonight, thinking about the mundane existence that I have come to know... Why is it like this? Did George Washington think it was a good idea to exploit the people he had sworn to protect? Of course he didn't, but it still happens, most don't even recognize it. Fast food, corporate greed, idiotic left-right paradigm arguments, blatant racism, and brainwashing television programs... This is not the world that GW imagined. (Or at least he didn't imagine so many demonizing influences to be relevant in society. I'M LOOKING AT YOU, BOHEMIAN GROVE.)

Unfortunately, it's here to stay, and I here with it. I'm not sure I'm the most educated person, but I can at least see what others happily turn a blind eye towards.

That sort of answers my question. I probably need more assistance, from above specifically, about what I am supposed to be doing. Until then, I'll keep on writing and keep fighting for what's right.

Pain, what of it?

I am in quite a bit of pain as of right now... Screwed myself over with a shoulder injury yesterday trying to do a dive roll. Unfortunately, I went in too steep and crushed my shoulder with my own weight. If 'stupid is as stupid does' I definitely over qualify right about now.

I find it interesting that Paul, one of Christ's greatest preachers, was able to sustain so much pain and suffering for such a long time. For example, getting stoned to death and just up and walking away from it; getting stoned wasn't something that you usually come back from alive (quite the opposite of today's words about getting stoned that's for damn sure).

He was a really great man, he worked hard, he was celibate, he suffered a great deal for his people. Much like Jesus, but hey that's who he was about. No amount of suffering any one man can come close to how He suffered... something that should be obvious to everyone, but is not. Not many people seem to understand how much more hard life was compared to today. Today is mostly intellectually demanding, as opposed to the old world where Intellectuality and Religiousness went hand in hand. Many take that notion for granted, as well as God for granted... I try not to.

Paul was just one man but still had influenced so much of what I have become... mostly without my knowledge.
I knew not prior to this semester about the many tests that God had put upon so many of his people in that day; it's hard to believe that God still exists in today's world, with everything that has happened to humanity I am surprised that God still holds true to his creation. I mean, when I create something, I don't explicitly care for the creation to hurt itself in intensely destructive ways, nor do I want it to waste the resources I had generously planted down unto the earth.

I'm just disappointed with what the world is in relation to what it could have been. (Though I suppose it's just as well that we all suffer in unison given that we have put ourselves in such a weak position.)

Call it.

So, first off Happy Halloween to the world. Even the parts that don't celebrate (such as Russia. Now you know).

In summation I just wanted to say I dressed as a very awesome and legendary character from the Cormac McCarthy novel and Coen Brothers film No Country for Old Men. It was really quite easy, cost me about 18 dollars. I got a little lucky with the shirt and the jean jacket. 

The worst part has been the dying of the hair... I have never felt it so uncomfortable in my life. I have a sole photo that I am willing to dispense unto the world should anyone need a good example for a Anton Chigurh outfit. The internet can thank me later.

I'm looking for Llewelyn Moss. Where does he work?

Dreams are non-fiction, right?

I can't really think of much to write about lately, but I do want to talk about some of the dreams I've had. I like to think I have some pretty strange dreams.

I can recall a few good ones that recurred during my childhood. Each one kind of spurred by the one before it, like some sort of episodic nightmare. This is what one of those dreams eventually became in my mind.

The dream starts with me sitting in the backseat of my mother's car, which at the time it was a late 80's model Honda Accord, painted a nice deep gray color, like the color of dusk. I sit in the backseat dawdling at the outside world as only a 7 year old can, being for lack of a better word a helpless visitor to the realm of adulthood. She was driving me to my daycare at the YMCA on Indian School, more or less a block or two away from my house, maybe a mile from my doorstep in total. It was a perfectly normal Albuquerque day when out of nowhere the ground bursts into a massive pit of fire, and a surge of lava bursts out of the ground like hot molten orange vomit. The ground bursts upward as a massive volcano erupts and destroys the entire area, the office buildings and the residential area around it. The car that we were in was thrown headlong into the fire pit by what I recall as unknown forces to this day. Thankfully though we were thrown close enough to escape the vehicle and the lava that was engulfing the thing.

I'm pretty sure I wake up after doing that, I don't recall anything after that but I know for certain that I escaped. No idea what it could have possibly meant but it was one of the scariest things a 7 or 8 year old can deal with. Which is probably why I still remember it.