Words for summer

festering
stale
poached

There are a few words that describe the complete desolation that occurs when the first sweat of summer falls on the ground, as my body drips dry and slowly I will become not much more than a husk in the desert heat.

Without a destination, a real goal, something to strive for, the heat will eat you alive... first it starts with your thoughts, melting away as easily as the breeze would blow away a dandelion; if you can't distract your mind for long enough, you lose it to the heat. Sanity is the first casualty in the war against that great orb of fire.

These are how my days have been, the sun itself a beacon of energy and warmth ironically destroys my will to do anything - I feel slower, all around. Sluggish, poisoned by thoughts of nicer days and a more abrupt summer followed by an endless winter.

I have already tried my hand at beating the infernal heat on its own terms... I was thoroughly defeated, defeated in a way that will make me rue the thought of dehydration ever again. Water is the best and most worthwhile weapon to use. Never forget that.

Enjoy the spring while it lasts, those crisp days are too few and far between the months to be considered as a time to get things done, to create, to flourish. Now in the dead of summer is the time of hardly working, working hard maintaining the frail weak existence for a few hours of sunlight until the moon heroically leaps to the sky... then the time changes and a new, parallel form of life blooms in the dusk. Sight is not necessarily everything. Sounds and smells are boundless compared to sight in the evenings.

As the warmth extends deep into the night, there is hardly a need for the comforts of daylight, many things are rendered useless. It is a tragic thought that so many things are useful due to the day/night cycle.

It will pass, and in the meantime I have things to do, work to be done, crafts to sharpen, arts to form. The end of Summer comes ever closer... and with it the end of madness. Good riddance when it goes.

'Uneventful' is my middle name

This past week or so I've had some ups and some downs. This is my first real week of summer, so I can only imagine the tedium that the rest of the summer will bring... not to mention the immense heat. The moths haven't even given me too much trouble, it's the general location where I am and the impact of the heat that I'm concerned about.

I made quite a bit of money this week... unfortunately I don't think it's going to last very long, computer needs an upgrade or two pretty badly.

So, I've been looking into overclocking to get that extra boost from my aging system, though I haven't a clue where to even begin with something like that. So many things can go wrong....


I haven't given it much thought but I think it's a nice change from going to school to basically being able to work how and when I want to. The work isn't the greatest gig in the universe but it keeps me busy and I can do what I like with a lot of my time. The biggest benefit? I do things that will benefit the world in the long run.

The biggest downfall was the fact that some psychopathic jughead wanted to 'perfolate' me after I argued some pretty good points about Fluoride. Some people just simply wont learn, at all. Gave me a good scare and put me in a bad spot but I quickly backed my way out of it.

I haven't been out that much recently, I was hoping there would be a lot more time spent with people I agree with, but I've so far just been at home doing my own thing... I suppose that isn't all bad, I've had some good time to myself for a while now. Turns out building skills and making money isn't a bad way to spend your time, but I do feel a wee bit out of shape as of right now, so I'm immediately getting back into tae kwon do.

I wanted happiness and I feel like I'm inching through the deep hole I seem to have dug for myself, even though I wasn't even aware of what I was doing at the time. So, as far as this past little while is concerned, I can look forward to more 'uneventful' days ahead.

'Alone Time'

Been pretty quiet for a while now... couldn't hurt to update, bout 2 months behind schedule.

Past couple of months have been, to say the least, long. I don't think about much lately I guess.

It kind of irks me that I don't even keep up with something as simple as writing my thoughts down every couple of weeks.

Well, I can't say I've been doing a whole lot. More of the same, really: video games with intermittent periods of sleep and school thrown in. Worked a little bit too, but I think that 12 days on a temporary job isn't that much to be proud of.

But, I was hard working and proud of the job that I did. Made a good chunk of change to carry me into... well, where I am now. I'm kind of on the end of my rope that I made for myself, I can feel that noose tightening - I don't really like being unemployed, but similarly I don't want to go so far out of my way that I hate myself for trying.

I guess that's really the thing about me. I don't try very hard if I don't get anything out of it. Hell, I don't try very hard anymore at all. I just can't bring myself to doing what I know I have to do.

I guess I can only blame myself then, right? Not like I set myself up for success, mostly I just set myself up so that I can be basically sustained in a very minimal manner, rather than actually trying out new things I recluse myself into my hole and slave away at what I know best - the computer, the game, as my parents call it.

What the hardest part about this whole situation is how easy it would be to end it all, compared to how hard it would be to clamor over these fervent addictions I hold.

I could just as easily eat a bullet before trying to help myself.

If that isn't depressing, I don't really know what is; I just don't feel that great about anything right now.

What am I supposed to be doing again?

This is a question I tend to ask myself a lot. With good reason, too, because normally I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to be doing at any given time. It is kind of an ambiguous question though, not really specific enough to be answered without context. IN context is a different story, it's pretty easy to know what to do in one specific moment, but what of the next? What am I supposed to do then?

I wont flatter myself by saying 'SO many great minds have asked themselves this question before', but it's true, just not of great minds alone. EVERYONE has to ask this question, each to his own specific situation, and mine is that of someone who does not like to conform to what is generally normal. Sure, I'm a college student, but I'm also God damn awful at it. (I wont go into the gory details, but I assure you it's put me in quite the predicament.) I've never been okay with going to school. What am I supposed to be doing in school that is relevant to me personally, as A) an American, and B) as a Citizen of the World? Why do I need to take all of these courses, and what purpose does taking microeconomics have on a mind like mine?

These questions irk me. Severely.

I am kept up at night sometimes, much like tonight, thinking about the mundane existence that I have come to know... Why is it like this? Did George Washington think it was a good idea to exploit the people he had sworn to protect? Of course he didn't, but it still happens, most don't even recognize it. Fast food, corporate greed, idiotic left-right paradigm arguments, blatant racism, and brainwashing television programs... This is not the world that GW imagined. (Or at least he didn't imagine so many demonizing influences to be relevant in society. I'M LOOKING AT YOU, BOHEMIAN GROVE.)

Unfortunately, it's here to stay, and I here with it. I'm not sure I'm the most educated person, but I can at least see what others happily turn a blind eye towards.

That sort of answers my question. I probably need more assistance, from above specifically, about what I am supposed to be doing. Until then, I'll keep on writing and keep fighting for what's right.

Pain, what of it?

I am in quite a bit of pain as of right now... Screwed myself over with a shoulder injury yesterday trying to do a dive roll. Unfortunately, I went in too steep and crushed my shoulder with my own weight. If 'stupid is as stupid does' I definitely over qualify right about now.

I find it interesting that Paul, one of Christ's greatest preachers, was able to sustain so much pain and suffering for such a long time. For example, getting stoned to death and just up and walking away from it; getting stoned wasn't something that you usually come back from alive (quite the opposite of today's words about getting stoned that's for damn sure).

He was a really great man, he worked hard, he was celibate, he suffered a great deal for his people. Much like Jesus, but hey that's who he was about. No amount of suffering any one man can come close to how He suffered... something that should be obvious to everyone, but is not. Not many people seem to understand how much more hard life was compared to today. Today is mostly intellectually demanding, as opposed to the old world where Intellectuality and Religiousness went hand in hand. Many take that notion for granted, as well as God for granted... I try not to.

Paul was just one man but still had influenced so much of what I have become... mostly without my knowledge.
I knew not prior to this semester about the many tests that God had put upon so many of his people in that day; it's hard to believe that God still exists in today's world, with everything that has happened to humanity I am surprised that God still holds true to his creation. I mean, when I create something, I don't explicitly care for the creation to hurt itself in intensely destructive ways, nor do I want it to waste the resources I had generously planted down unto the earth.

I'm just disappointed with what the world is in relation to what it could have been. (Though I suppose it's just as well that we all suffer in unison given that we have put ourselves in such a weak position.)

Dreams are non-fiction, right?

I can't really think of much to write about lately, but I do want to talk about some of the dreams I've had. I like to think I have some pretty strange dreams.

I can recall a few good ones that recurred during my childhood. Each one kind of spurred by the one before it, like some sort of episodic nightmare. This is what one of those dreams eventually became in my mind.

The dream starts with me sitting in the backseat of my mother's car, which at the time it was a late 80's model Honda Accord, painted a nice deep gray color, like the color of dusk. I sit in the backseat dawdling at the outside world as only a 7 year old can, being for lack of a better word a helpless visitor to the realm of adulthood. She was driving me to my daycare at the YMCA on Indian School, more or less a block or two away from my house, maybe a mile from my doorstep in total. It was a perfectly normal Albuquerque day when out of nowhere the ground bursts into a massive pit of fire, and a surge of lava bursts out of the ground like hot molten orange vomit. The ground bursts upward as a massive volcano erupts and destroys the entire area, the office buildings and the residential area around it. The car that we were in was thrown headlong into the fire pit by what I recall as unknown forces to this day. Thankfully though we were thrown close enough to escape the vehicle and the lava that was engulfing the thing.

I'm pretty sure I wake up after doing that, I don't recall anything after that but I know for certain that I escaped. No idea what it could have possibly meant but it was one of the scariest things a 7 or 8 year old can deal with. Which is probably why I still remember it.