Falling

Damn, was really hoping to write more this past month. Ah, well this is important.

I just woke up, and recall having a dream about some very specific shit. (I was also drinking pretty heavily last night so I don't know if this is how I feel or what.) At first, I was falling, which is like the absolutely most common dream sequence in people. I guess most people are afraid of dying when they hit the ground, but for some reason I wasn't at all afraid. I was with some people who I recognized as LOST characters, specifically Kate and Sawyer, I think maybe Jack was there as well. The thing about this was the actions performed. I landed on the ground, which didn't hurt whatsoever, got up and immediately moved with Kate across a road or a train track or something. Each of us bearing guns, I felt like a paratrooper or something, because honestly I think I was attacking someone.

I felt like a paratrooper, attacking St. Lo

Then this kind of switched gears on me, I was in dialogue with people I didn't know or understand.

That's about all I can remember.

The interpretations of this website are usually pretty solid. Much of what I experience in my life is pretty bland as of late, I'm feeling pretty frustrated with school and honestly don't know what to do. I've developed some bad habits and I don't really know how to fix them.


Moreover I'm quite saddened by my relationships with people as well... I don't seem to have very many friends...

I can't seem to do anything else but ask for help. God help me.

We all knew this day would come

Well, the semester is almost over for those of us who are scholastically inclined (wish I was one of those people), and that means that it's crunch time for those same people. I'll tell you what it means for me, about a whole truckload of stress.

I figured I rant about school enough and those few that read like to hear about other aspects of my life; This weekend was honest to God one of the better weekends of my life. For three reasons: Skyrim (pictured, I am the Dovahkiin, baby.), a really good party, and of course the reason for both is ...my birthday.

Now, my birthday is on November 11th, and this year it was extra super special because of course the date was 11/11/11. (THAT IS PRETTY F*CKING COOL IF YOU ASKED ME.) I turned 21, so I was feeling real good for the duration of the weekend. Can't say I feel much different though, few do when they turn a new age... if anything, it feels worse getting that much closer to your relatively imminent death.

You aren't a kid anymore, I guess that's what hurts the most. Someone said that to me this past week and it cut to my core. Growing up is absurdly difficult for a lot of people, and for me it's been mostly a struggle. I'm pretty stubborn, so naturally I'm going to feel worse when things change and I don't like it, and of course they do all the time.

In short, I've discovered in my time here on Earth that this world is hard on people, and you need to adapt in order to carve your niche in it. That's a difficult thing to understand in itself, let alone to actually perform it. But once I do... it's going to be a stellar event, that is one thing I am certain of.

What am I supposed to be doing again?

This is a question I tend to ask myself a lot. With good reason, too, because normally I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to be doing at any given time. It is kind of an ambiguous question though, not really specific enough to be answered without context. IN context is a different story, it's pretty easy to know what to do in one specific moment, but what of the next? What am I supposed to do then?

I wont flatter myself by saying 'SO many great minds have asked themselves this question before', but it's true, just not of great minds alone. EVERYONE has to ask this question, each to his own specific situation, and mine is that of someone who does not like to conform to what is generally normal. Sure, I'm a college student, but I'm also God damn awful at it. (I wont go into the gory details, but I assure you it's put me in quite the predicament.) I've never been okay with going to school. What am I supposed to be doing in school that is relevant to me personally, as A) an American, and B) as a Citizen of the World? Why do I need to take all of these courses, and what purpose does taking microeconomics have on a mind like mine?

These questions irk me. Severely.

I am kept up at night sometimes, much like tonight, thinking about the mundane existence that I have come to know... Why is it like this? Did George Washington think it was a good idea to exploit the people he had sworn to protect? Of course he didn't, but it still happens, most don't even recognize it. Fast food, corporate greed, idiotic left-right paradigm arguments, blatant racism, and brainwashing television programs... This is not the world that GW imagined. (Or at least he didn't imagine so many demonizing influences to be relevant in society. I'M LOOKING AT YOU, BOHEMIAN GROVE.)

Unfortunately, it's here to stay, and I here with it. I'm not sure I'm the most educated person, but I can at least see what others happily turn a blind eye towards.

That sort of answers my question. I probably need more assistance, from above specifically, about what I am supposed to be doing. Until then, I'll keep on writing and keep fighting for what's right.

Pain, what of it?

I am in quite a bit of pain as of right now... Screwed myself over with a shoulder injury yesterday trying to do a dive roll. Unfortunately, I went in too steep and crushed my shoulder with my own weight. If 'stupid is as stupid does' I definitely over qualify right about now.

I find it interesting that Paul, one of Christ's greatest preachers, was able to sustain so much pain and suffering for such a long time. For example, getting stoned to death and just up and walking away from it; getting stoned wasn't something that you usually come back from alive (quite the opposite of today's words about getting stoned that's for damn sure).

He was a really great man, he worked hard, he was celibate, he suffered a great deal for his people. Much like Jesus, but hey that's who he was about. No amount of suffering any one man can come close to how He suffered... something that should be obvious to everyone, but is not. Not many people seem to understand how much more hard life was compared to today. Today is mostly intellectually demanding, as opposed to the old world where Intellectuality and Religiousness went hand in hand. Many take that notion for granted, as well as God for granted... I try not to.

Paul was just one man but still had influenced so much of what I have become... mostly without my knowledge.
I knew not prior to this semester about the many tests that God had put upon so many of his people in that day; it's hard to believe that God still exists in today's world, with everything that has happened to humanity I am surprised that God still holds true to his creation. I mean, when I create something, I don't explicitly care for the creation to hurt itself in intensely destructive ways, nor do I want it to waste the resources I had generously planted down unto the earth.

I'm just disappointed with what the world is in relation to what it could have been. (Though I suppose it's just as well that we all suffer in unison given that we have put ourselves in such a weak position.)

Call it.

So, first off Happy Halloween to the world. Even the parts that don't celebrate (such as Russia. Now you know).

In summation I just wanted to say I dressed as a very awesome and legendary character from the Cormac McCarthy novel and Coen Brothers film No Country for Old Men. It was really quite easy, cost me about 18 dollars. I got a little lucky with the shirt and the jean jacket. 

The worst part has been the dying of the hair... I have never felt it so uncomfortable in my life. I have a sole photo that I am willing to dispense unto the world should anyone need a good example for a Anton Chigurh outfit. The internet can thank me later.

I'm looking for Llewelyn Moss. Where does he work?

Dreams are non-fiction, right?

I can't really think of much to write about lately, but I do want to talk about some of the dreams I've had. I like to think I have some pretty strange dreams.

I can recall a few good ones that recurred during my childhood. Each one kind of spurred by the one before it, like some sort of episodic nightmare. This is what one of those dreams eventually became in my mind.

The dream starts with me sitting in the backseat of my mother's car, which at the time it was a late 80's model Honda Accord, painted a nice deep gray color, like the color of dusk. I sit in the backseat dawdling at the outside world as only a 7 year old can, being for lack of a better word a helpless visitor to the realm of adulthood. She was driving me to my daycare at the YMCA on Indian School, more or less a block or two away from my house, maybe a mile from my doorstep in total. It was a perfectly normal Albuquerque day when out of nowhere the ground bursts into a massive pit of fire, and a surge of lava bursts out of the ground like hot molten orange vomit. The ground bursts upward as a massive volcano erupts and destroys the entire area, the office buildings and the residential area around it. The car that we were in was thrown headlong into the fire pit by what I recall as unknown forces to this day. Thankfully though we were thrown close enough to escape the vehicle and the lava that was engulfing the thing.

I'm pretty sure I wake up after doing that, I don't recall anything after that but I know for certain that I escaped. No idea what it could have possibly meant but it was one of the scariest things a 7 or 8 year old can deal with. Which is probably why I still remember it.