Saturday, June 30, 2012

Words for summer


There are a few words that describe the complete desolation that occurs when the first sweat of summer falls on the ground, as my body drips dry and slowly I will become not much more than a husk in the desert heat.

Without a destination, a real goal, something to strive for, the heat will eat you alive... first it starts with your thoughts, melting away as easily as the breeze would blow away a dandelion; if you can't distract your mind for long enough, you lose it to the heat. Sanity is the first casualty in the war against that great orb of fire.

These are how my days have been, the sun itself a beacon of energy and warmth ironically destroys my will to do anything - I feel slower, all around. Sluggish, poisoned by thoughts of nicer days and a more abrupt summer followed by an endless winter.

I have already tried my hand at beating the infernal heat on its own terms... I was thoroughly defeated, defeated in a way that will make me rue the thought of dehydration ever again. Water is the best and most worthwhile weapon to use. Never forget that.

Enjoy the spring while it lasts, those crisp days are too few and far between the months to be considered as a time to get things done, to create, to flourish. Now in the dead of summer is the time of hardly working, working hard maintaining the frail weak existence for a few hours of sunlight until the moon heroically leaps to the sky... then the time changes and a new, parallel form of life blooms in the dusk. Sight is not necessarily everything. Sounds and smells are boundless compared to sight in the evenings.

As the warmth extends deep into the night, there is hardly a need for the comforts of daylight, many things are rendered useless. It is a tragic thought that so many things are useful due to the day/night cycle.

It will pass, and in the meantime I have things to do, work to be done, crafts to sharpen, arts to form. The end of Summer comes ever closer... and with it the end of madness. Good riddance when it goes.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

'Rose Colored Glasses'

I see a lot of people I know that see things in a very strange light - events, people, all kinds of things seem to be a lot better to them than they are to me.

The line of thinking that I use says 'Am I really that down that I can't even make light of something good in someone else's life?' and the short answer to that is fuck no, I'm pretty far from depressed. I should know, too.

I just don't think doing the same thing as everyone else is very interesting... at all.

What is it about those particular people, events, things that are generally bland and uninteresting that makes everyone else look at them as the greatest thing since sliced bread? And no, this is not me putting everyone around me down, but looking at things without those pesky rose colored glasses on all the damn time. Seems like everyone has a few pairs on at any given time these days.

I hear about people in 'successful' collegiate careers and you know what I think? 'Gee, they couldn't think of doing anything actually interesting with their lives?' (not that I'm not one of them, but at least I don't flaunt my 'education' as much as my colleagues have been)

But of course, it's not their faults. They have to keep up that charade that their lives mean something, working themselves into sleep deprived, unhealthy, and 'educated' greatness for a chance (NOT a guarantee) that their lives will be better off in the long run.

Better off for who, though? The state? The university? The company you signed your life away for? WHOSE LIFE ARE YOU IMPROVING?!

What I'm getting at is this: I DO want you all to be successful, healthy, and happy people, but the fact of the matter is that many of you ARE NOT. Being 20 years young and doing stupid things goes hand in hand, but much of our generation hasn't done a damn thing about the future and expects literally EVERYTHING to be set in place for us. Perpetuating a bunch of selfish desires, flaunting your supposed 'individuality', as well as 'getting an education' do not account for real happiness - real achievement accounts for real happiness.

What it is perpetuating is the discord and destruction of this generation as a whole, and future generations to come, enough for the next century of men and to hate us for pushing the debt ceiling higher and higher, and making those special jobs you work so hard for fucking worthless.

Being a stupid drone and getting a specialized career document like everyone else does not mean you are a smarter person inherently. Smarter things - and cooler things - have been done before. Do something cool and innovative with your life and your children's children will thank you for it.

TL;DR version:
I just don't like the idea of working hard in college so your kids can go to college, and so on. PEOPLE DON'T NEED TO BE EDUCATED ABOUT INANE HORSESHIT TO GET THINGS DONE.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

'Uneventful' is my middle name

This past week or so I've had some ups and some downs. This is my first real week of summer, so I can only imagine the tedium that the rest of the summer will bring... not to mention the immense heat. The moths haven't even given me too much trouble, it's the general location where I am and the impact of the heat that I'm concerned about.

I made quite a bit of money this week... unfortunately I don't think it's going to last very long, computer needs an upgrade or two pretty badly.

So, I've been looking into overclocking to get that extra boost from my aging system, though I haven't a clue where to even begin with something like that. So many things can go wrong....

I haven't given it much thought but I think it's a nice change from going to school to basically being able to work how and when I want to. The work isn't the greatest gig in the universe but it keeps me busy and I can do what I like with a lot of my time. The biggest benefit? I do things that will benefit the world in the long run.

The biggest downfall was the fact that some psychopathic jughead wanted to 'perfolate' me after I argued some pretty good points about Fluoride. Some people just simply wont learn, at all. Gave me a good scare and put me in a bad spot but I quickly backed my way out of it.

I haven't been out that much recently, I was hoping there would be a lot more time spent with people I agree with, but I've so far just been at home doing my own thing... I suppose that isn't all bad, I've had some good time to myself for a while now. Turns out building skills and making money isn't a bad way to spend your time, but I do feel a wee bit out of shape as of right now, so I'm immediately getting back into tae kwon do.

I wanted happiness and I feel like I'm inching through the deep hole I seem to have dug for myself, even though I wasn't even aware of what I was doing at the time. So, as far as this past little while is concerned, I can look forward to more 'uneventful' days ahead.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Sprouting Wings

I didn't like what I was doing before.

School and such things like it is full of tedium and disinterest. Everything else blended together and became the same gray poison that fueled my growing addiction to cave dwelling and unnatural light provided by a monitor. I am done trying so hard to feel something other than anguish artificially. I can't explain the details, but I hope my parents can both forgive me for being so utterly awful to them; and I hope that later in life I will develop friends that are both encouraging and fun to be around, that will not bring me down to their level and expect me to bend over backwards to do things with them. I don't know what made me such a bitter, selfish, poison spouting monster that I am but I will do everything I can to right these wrongs, and to write these wrongs, so that I wont feel so unheard and ignored.

This is my prayer, my eulogy, my sacrifice, and my silent perseverance.

I will do my best to never speak hatred unto someone.

I wont try and find excuses to feel good about myself - especially artificial ones.

I will pay back what I owe the people that I do.

And I will then pay forward everything I have either in necessity for myself or for the better of the world.

I will change. And I will be happy.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

'Alone Time'

Been pretty quiet for a while now... couldn't hurt to update, bout 2 months behind schedule.

Past couple of months have been, to say the least, long. I don't think about much lately I guess.

It kind of irks me that I don't even keep up with something as simple as writing my thoughts down every couple of weeks.

Well, I can't say I've been doing a whole lot. More of the same, really: video games with intermittent periods of sleep and school thrown in. Worked a little bit too, but I think that 12 days on a temporary job isn't that much to be proud of.

But, I was hard working and proud of the job that I did. Made a good chunk of change to carry me into... well, where I am now. I'm kind of on the end of my rope that I made for myself, I can feel that noose tightening - I don't really like being unemployed, but similarly I don't want to go so far out of my way that I hate myself for trying.

I guess that's really the thing about me. I don't try very hard if I don't get anything out of it. Hell, I don't try very hard anymore at all. I just can't bring myself to doing what I know I have to do.

I guess I can only blame myself then, right? Not like I set myself up for success, mostly I just set myself up so that I can be basically sustained in a very minimal manner, rather than actually trying out new things I recluse myself into my hole and slave away at what I know best - the computer, the game, as my parents call it.

What the hardest part about this whole situation is how easy it would be to end it all, compared to how hard it would be to clamor over these fervent addictions I hold.

I could just as easily eat a bullet before trying to help myself.

If that isn't depressing, I don't really know what is; I just don't feel that great about anything right now.

Thursday, December 1, 2011


Damn, was really hoping to write more this past month. Ah, well this is important.

I just woke up, and recall having a dream about some very specific shit. (I was also drinking pretty heavily last night so I don't know if this is how I feel or what.) At first, I was falling, which is like the absolutely most common dream sequence in people. I guess most people are afraid of dying when they hit the ground, but for some reason I wasn't at all afraid. I was with some people who I recognized as LOST characters, specifically Kate and Sawyer, I think maybe Jack was there as well. The thing about this was the actions performed. I landed on the ground, which didn't hurt whatsoever, got up and immediately moved with Kate across a road or a train track or something. Each of us bearing guns, I felt like a paratrooper or something, because honestly I think I was attacking someone.
I felt like a paratrooper, attacking St. Lo

Then this kind of switched gears on me, I was in dialogue with people I didn't know or understand.

That's about all I can remember.

The interpretations of this website are usually pretty solid. Much of what I experience in my life is pretty bland as of late, I'm feeling pretty frustrated with school and honestly don't know what to do. I've developed some bad habits and I don't really know how to fix them.

Moreover I'm quite saddened by my relationships with people as well... I don't seem to have very many friends...

I can't seem to do anything else but ask for help. God help me.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

We all knew this day would come

Well, the semester is almost over for those of us who are scholastically inclined (wish I was one of those people), and that means that it's crunch time for those same people. I'll tell you what it means for me, about a whole truckload of stress.

I figured I rant about school enough and those few that read like to hear about other aspects of my life; This weekend was honest to God one of the better weekends of my life. For three reasons: Skyrim (pictured, I am the Dovahkiin, baby.), a really good party, and of course the reason for both is birthday.

Now, my birthday is on November 11th, and this year it was extra super special because of course the date was 11/11/11. (THAT IS PRETTY F*CKING COOL IF YOU ASKED ME.) I turned 21, so I was feeling real good for the duration of the weekend. Can't say I feel much different though, few do when they turn a new age... if anything, it feels worse getting that much closer to your relatively imminent death.

You aren't a kid anymore, I guess that's what hurts the most. Someone said that to me this past week and it cut to my core. Growing up is absurdly difficult for a lot of people, and for me it's been mostly a struggle. I'm pretty stubborn, so naturally I'm going to feel worse when things change and I don't like it, and of course they do all the time.

In short, I've discovered in my time here on Earth that this world is hard on people, and you need to adapt in order to carve your niche in it. That's a difficult thing to understand in itself, let alone to actually perform it. But once I do... it's going to be a stellar event, that is one thing I am certain of.